In the 48 hours since finding out that I have a mass on my ovary, I have been surprisingly calm about it. I have tried to keep the mindset of “we don’t know anything yet, there is nothing to worry about.”
This morning I woke up with chest pains, a tight throat, and a heavy heart. I’m scared. I’m really really scared about what the next few days will hold, and depending on the diagnosis, what the next few weeks and months will entail. I have been confined to my bed all weekend as to not aggravate “Tamara” and it has been too much time to sit and think about possible outcomes.
I’ll go a few minutes without thinking about it, and it feels great! Then I will change positions in the bed, and the feeling of a rock in my abdomen quickly reminds me that there is something there, something that does not belong.
48 hours is a long time to keep a brave face when every single dreadful minute is filled with worry and fear. I got out of the shower this morning and in my empty house, finally let myself cry. It felt good, really good to let everything out. As humans I feel it is our natural tendency to hold back tears, they are regarded as weakness. But, with each tear held back, I felt like more pressure was building up in my chest. I feel angry because I am scared to cough, sneeze, or laugh. I feel angry because I am nauseous and a little lightheaded and don’t know if these are symptoms of the mass, or just my own anxieties.
Immediately after that emotional release, I felt a weight lifted. It’s okay to cry, to be scared, and worry. Sure, this mass might be completely harmless and a month from now this will all be a distant memory. Or…it may be more complicated, but I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get to it. For now, I am going to try and keep words like “cancer” and “infertility” out of my head. Nothing is known yet.
I can already breathe easier, and my tight throat has released. I’m going to continue being brave, but still let the tears come when they want to.
My mind keeps going back to this quote I saw online the other day:
The Other Courtney 
What a beautiful quote. I’m hoping and praying that everything is okay, that your outcome is the best possible one.
It’s always so easy for us humans to think the worst, to think about the what-ifs. But what if you’re making yourself worry for no reason? What if this truly is something that is a minor bump in the road, and something you’ll be able to joke about (Tamara) in the future?
Keep your head up. Tears are good. And remember, you’ll be okay.
Beautiful, Courtney, and so true. It takes real courage to let yourself cry, to accept the vulnerability of not knowing. Thanks so much for sharing!
Thanks Virginia. You have been so wonderful and your “checking in” calls have meant a lot to me! Hopefully I’ll have some news later today.
You haven’t left my mind all weekend. We are thinking of you and saying lots of prayers. I’m glad you were able to let it out – crying isn’t weak – it is strong. Holding it in isn’t healthy. You are such a strong person allowing yourself to feel, to express your fears and to be you. You have the strength to get through this. I can’t even imagine how stressed you both must be. Know that we are all here for you and sending lots of love through the miles.
Your words brought tears to my eyes, thank you Heather. Hoping that by next weekend I’ll be one baseball short and my biggest worry will be what to do with the weekend 🙂
I’m sorry you are going through this! I am keeping you in my prayers! It’s awesome that you are being brave, but still remembering that we need to cry. I know for me it seems like crying just releases something and I fell better afterwards. I am sure that it is hard for you : (. If I can do anything please let me know.
Thank you for your words, Jen they mean a lot!!
I have been thinking about you all weekend too. I can’t even imagine how hard these few days have been. I’m so glad you were able to let it all out…that definitely always helps. Please call me ANYTIME if you need anything! Love you!
Thanks so much Lyssa! Yeah I don’t know why I even try to hold things in, definitely feels good to let them out. Love you!
Oh sweetie, I have you in my thoughts and prays all weekend!
Love you!
Thanks mom, love you!