This has been an extremely difficult day. Between my eczema, family drama, wedding stress, and overall exhaustion, it has been one of my worst days in awhile. I read Byron Katie over my lunch break, I made a doctor appointment with a new (and hopefully better) doctor for Wednesday, I’ve been checking a few things off of the wedding to-do list, but nothing is helping. I even slathered my face in Greek yogurt, I read somewhere it can help with dermatitis.
Results to be determined. I don’t want to be at work or socializing with people, I just want to be in my cozy Egyptian Cotton sheets watching The League. Is that too much to ask?! Today, even smiling feels like a chore.
Instead of making this post as depressing as possible, I’m going to make a list of things I’m grateful for. There is SO MUCH to be grateful for, yet in difficult times I often dwell on the negative. I obsess about my relationships, my health, my skin, my life. I have been observing my thoughts lately and they indicate that I have a lot of pent up anger and stress. Anger towards toxic people in my life, and anger towards myself for letting toxic people’s actions effect me. Again, there is so much to be thankful for. Pay attention, Courtney.
1. My family. When I mentally make a list of my blessings they are always at the top. My parents are out of this world. They are always supportive, caring, and encouraging no matter what decisions I make. Unless it’s a stupid one. Then they gently tell me it’s stupid. My three sisters are three of my best friends in the world. They don’t judge, they love wholeheartedly and without expecting anything in return. If such a thing existed as a “golden standard sibling”, they are it. Also, I have an awesome nephew who clearly takes after his Aunt CoCo:
2. My fiance/husband in 54 days! I don’t feel like I need to go too much into detail about this one because I basically gush about him in 50% of my posts. Sorryboutthat. He brings me tears of laughter and tears of happiness on a regular basis. He lets me talk about poop, pimples, puss, and other really non-sexy, non-feminine things. When I kiss him goodbye in the morning when he is in a deep sleep, he cracks his eyes open and says “you look so beautiful today.”
3. An able body. Yes, it may be covered in rashes and scabs from time to time and I may be allergic to more foods than one should be, but I can walk. I can run. I can weight lift. While I was running at the gym this morning releasing some stress and gaining some awesome endorphins, I suddenly had a horrifying thought: what if I were not able to exercise anymore?! The thought alone made me run harder, to the point I almost threw up. I enjoyed it though, I embraced it. I ran because there may be a day when I cannot.
4. A job. It’s not the world’s best (does such a thing exist?) or highest paying job, but it is a good job. I get a paycheck every two weeks and I can keep food in my belly (most days) and a roof over my head. I have an understanding boss and pretty kickass coworkers. Not much more you can ask for!
5. Friends. I’ve never been the type to have hundreds of friends (that’s Isaac). I keep a few very close friends. Ones who I can snort at, cry to, and just be with. This past year, I have been reminded of some of the amazing friends I have, regardless of how often we get to catch up. There are people in my life who probably don’t even realize the impact they have on me and how grateful I am for them. You know who you are, most of you are subscribed to my blog. So thank you. Thank you for your encouraging and entertaining texts, pictures, emails, phone calls, and just being your bomb-diggity selves.
6. A sense of humor. I was texting with my aunt the other day and she told me she had to laugh at one of the ridiculous texts I sent her. She said I have an incredibly dark sense of humor, and she was very proud. She also said that’s how she knows I’m going to have a happy, long life. I can usually turn really crappy situations into something laughable. I am thankful for that. I think my medical issues have given me that, so I guess I’m thankful for them in some weird twisted love/hate kind of way. But mostly hate.
7. This Blog. Not to get too weird or sappy, but I AM thankful for this blog. Sometimes it feels like therapy to sit down and write. Even if I’m not necessarily writing about what I’m currently feeling or struggling with, the writing itself is cathartic. I have met some really cool other bloggers (gah could I sound dorkier?! “cool other bloggers”?!?!!) whose writing inspires me to write more and improve my skills.
8. The TED talks app. I really love TED talks and now I can watch them every night on my phone as I’m falling asleep. It sure beats passing out to stupid youtube videos.
9. Byron Katie. Duh! Of course she was going to be on this list. What I am working on this week:
“How do you react when you think you need people’s love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can’t bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon? In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren’t, and then when they say “I love you,” you can’t believe it, because they’re loving a facade. They’re loving someone who doesn’t even exist, the person you’re pretending to be. It’s difficult to seek other people’s love. It’s deadly. In seeking it, you lose what is genuine. This is the prison we create for ourselves as we seek what we already have.”
10. I am le tired and I’m going to bed, but I cannot end a list at number 9 (slight OCD?). This will have to count.
Phew, I feel better already. I have many, many more blessings to count and I’m hoping they fill my dreams tonight. What are you especially thankful for?