Thankful

This has been an extremely difficult day. Between my eczema, family drama, wedding stress, and overall exhaustion, it has been one of my worst days in awhile. I read Byron Katie over my lunch break, I made a doctor appointment with a new (and hopefully better) doctor for Wednesday, I’ve been checking a few things off of the wedding to-do list, but nothing is helping. I even slathered my face in Greek yogurt, I read somewhere it can help with dermatitis.

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Results to be determined. I don’t want to be at work or socializing with people, I just want to be in my cozy Egyptian Cotton sheets watching The League. Is that too much to ask?! Today, even smiling feels like a chore.

Instead of making this post as depressing as possible, I’m going to make a list of things I’m grateful for. There is SO MUCH to be grateful for, yet in difficult times I often dwell on the negative. I obsess about my relationships, my health, my skin, my life. I have been observing my thoughts lately and they indicate that I have a lot of pent up anger and stress. Anger towards toxic people in my life, and anger towards myself for letting toxic people’s actions effect me. Again, there is so much to be thankful for. Pay attention, Courtney.

1. My family. When I mentally make a list of my blessings they are always at the top. My parents are out of this world. They are always supportive, caring, and encouraging no matter what decisions I make. Unless it’s a stupid one. Then they gently tell me it’s stupid. My three sisters are three of my best friends in the world. They don’t judge, they love wholeheartedly and without expecting anything in return. If such a thing existed as a “golden standard sibling”, they are it. Also, I have an awesome nephew who clearly takes after his Aunt CoCo:

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Thanks Char for the meme!

2. My fiance/husband in 54 days! I don’t feel like I need to go too much into detail about this one because I basically gush about him in 50% of my posts. Sorryboutthat. He brings me tears of laughter and tears of happiness on a regular basis. He lets me talk about poop, pimples, puss, and other really non-sexy, non-feminine things. When I kiss him goodbye in the morning when he is in a deep sleep, he cracks his eyes open and says “you look so beautiful today.”

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3. An able body. Yes, it may be covered in rashes and scabs from time to time and I may be allergic to more foods than one should be, but I can walk. I can run. I can weight lift. While I was running at the gym this morning releasing some stress and gaining some awesome endorphins, I suddenly had a horrifying thought: what if I were not able to exercise anymore?! The thought alone made me run harder, to the point I almost threw up. I enjoyed it though, I embraced it. I ran because there may be a day when I cannot.

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4. A job. It’s not the world’s best (does such a thing exist?) or highest paying job, but it is a good job. I get a paycheck every two weeks and I can keep food in my belly (most days) and a roof over my head. I have an understanding boss and pretty kickass coworkers. Not much more you can ask for!

5. Friends. I’ve never been the type to have hundreds of friends (that’s Isaac). I keep a few very close friends. Ones who I can snort at, cry to, and just be with. This past year, I have been reminded of some of the amazing friends I have, regardless of how often we get to catch up. There are people in my life who probably don’t even realize the impact they have on me and how grateful I am for them. You know who you are, most of you are subscribed to my blog. So thank you. Thank you for your encouraging and entertaining texts, pictures, emails, phone calls, and just being your bomb-diggity selves.

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6. A sense of humor. I was texting with my aunt the other day and she told me she had to laugh at one of the ridiculous texts I sent her. She said I have an incredibly dark sense of humor, and she was very proud. She also said that’s how she knows I’m going to have a happy, long life. I can usually turn really crappy situations into something laughable. I am thankful for that. I think my medical issues have given me that, so I guess I’m thankful for them in some weird twisted love/hate kind of way. But mostly hate.

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7. This Blog. Not to get too weird or sappy, but I AM thankful for this blog. Sometimes it feels like therapy to sit down and write. Even if I’m not necessarily writing about what I’m currently feeling or struggling with, the writing itself is cathartic. I have met some really cool other bloggers (gah could I sound dorkier?! “cool other bloggers”?!?!!) whose writing inspires me to write more and improve my skills.

8. The TED talks app. I really love TED talks and now I can watch them every night on my phone as I’m falling asleep. It sure beats passing out to stupid youtube videos.

9. Byron Katie. Duh! Of course she was going to be on this list. What I am working on this week:

“How do you react when you think you need people’s love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can’t bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon? In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren’t, and then when they say “I love you,” you can’t believe it, because they’re loving a facade. They’re loving someone who doesn’t even exist, the person you’re pretending to be. It’s difficult to seek other people’s love. It’s deadly. In seeking it, you lose what is genuine. This is the prison we create for ourselves as we seek what we already have.”

10. I am le tired and I’m going to bed, but I cannot end a list at number 9 (slight OCD?). This will have to count.

Phew, I feel better already. I have many, many more blessings to count and I’m hoping they fill my dreams tonight. What are you especially thankful for?

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18 thoughts on “Thankful

  1. i LOVE the TED talks as well. so wonderful and accessible. hope you’re feeling better. i have these days as well. they come and go and we make progress with all those things that life throws our way. xx, eileen

  2. Courtney, you could do {The Work} on the stressful thoughts. You know the score: WRITE WHAT THE STRESSFUL THOUGHT IS then ask: 1) is it true 2) can you be absolutely sure… 3) how does it make you feel 4) who could you be without that THEN TURN IT AROUND.
    I get the feeling there would be these statements, possibly, in those Byron Katie turn~arounds:
    All the decisions you’ve made are not “stupid”, but you thank your parents when they share their view of your situation, right?
    You are a golden sibling.
    You are always beautiful and always will be.
    Using fear to motivate aye? And yes there may be a day you cannot run and I get the impression you could embrace that scenario with as much passion too.
    Yes there is a perfect job for you in this world, it is the job of Being You and you do it brilliantly.
    Oh drats I have been in YOUR business and who the hell is in mine? Better get back to the brilliant job I have of Being Me.
    Love you like a niece and wish you the most wonderful in the moment wedding, life and beans on toast (no idea where that came from, but thoughts are just like that, random sometimes and as free as raindrops).

    • Haha those men are the best! Who DOESN’T love to talk about poop? Yes, making lists of things we are thankful is definitely helpful. I have gone back and read this list several times over the past few days. It helps with the perspective!

  3. Hello , this is the first time I have visited your blog and this is the first thing I read. Thank you for writing this, it is a great reminder to always be grateful for the things we do have and that make our life a little better, because thinking about them and recognizing them changes your whole perspective. Thank you again, for writing like you do.

    • Hi, Jonathan! Thanks so much for stopping by and for commenting! I’m so happy that you liked the post, it is something that can be so hard to do but is important. This morning I woke up and decided I was going to be happy because of all my blessings. It really is a conscious decision, regardless of what some people say. Here’s to many more days of deciding to be happy!

    • Yes, I’d definitely recommend it! It FORCES you to get out of that cranky mood when you have to write about things you love. My mother-in-law is a counselor and she told me an activity she has some of her patients do is make lists of things they love based on the different senses. So write out 10 things you love to taste. 10 you love to hear. 10 you love to see. She said that alone can really help people snap out of the “woe, is me” state of mind. I may have to do a blog post on that soon, now that I think about it! 😉

      And YES…check out Byron Katie. I just love that woman and feel I owe so much of my freedom/happiness/relief from debilitating anxiety to her. Check out her book “Loving What Is” or just read her quotes online, so great. Glad you liked that quote, it’s one of my favorites!

    • Thanks, yeah it definitely helped!! And I’m not sure if the Greek yogurt mask helped, but it didn’t HURT. So you know as far as eczema stuff goes, that’s a good sign haha! The face stuff I’m dealing with I believe is actually perioral dermatitis, so it’s INSANELY hard to get rid of. Pretty much everything makes it worse, a lot of doctors think it’s caused from steroid use on the face. Great, thanks eczema. Now I’ve developed a new form of eczema that is caused by the treatment for eczema. Awesome, right? When I look through google images I see that mine is NOTHING compared to so many peoples, but it still sucks/hurts/looks gross.

      I’m going to try the yogurt mask again tonight because it did feel really nice and calming. On the parts of my face that don’t have the rash (from my nose up), the yogurt mask made my skin baby smooth! It also totally made it glow! So I definitely recommend doing it! I’m telling all my friends, even non-eczema sufferers, to give it a try! I read that Fage Greek Yogurt 2% is the best brand to use.

  4. LOVE this! Writing a list like this helps me a lot when I feel like the world is ending. For some reason, I feel like writing all the things I’m thankful for “out loud” is even more effective 😛

    Love the TED talks app, too!

    🙂 <—- a smiley face for YOU …for encouragement and support!

    • I agree with you about the writing “out loud” thing. I think that is why blogging in itself can be so great!

      Love that you are a TED Talks person, too!! There was actually a TED appearance in the city I live in, Isaac and I got to go last year! It was a little underwhelming. Parts of it were cool but only after arriving did we find out that it wasn’t like the major, awesome amphitheaters full of people like you see in the videos. Still, it was pretty cool! A lot of the info went over our heads (it was about biomedical engineering), but we did understand some stuff. I was mostly just happy that I got an awesome (read: totally dorky) T-shirt out of it!

  5. It’s awesome that after a rubbish day you sat down and thought about things you were thankful for, hope it gave you a bit of a lift and made you feel better.

    • Thanks, Rosie! It feels so ridiculous to feel sorry for myself when I’m struggling with issues, there IS so much to be thankful for. It helped some, I’m going to keep reminding myself of my blessings today. 🙂

  6. Focusing on the positive sure makes it seem better, hey? Thanks for the reminder! Also, I am going to read up on this Byron Katie… I feel like it might be right up my alley (at least the part you quoted is…)

    • You know it really does. It’s hard to throw myself a pity party when I’m thinking of all the awesome things/people in my life.

      And yes, you must check out Byron Katie. Her philosophy is amaaaaazing and completely life changing. Her book “Loving What Is” was really eye opening for me. Let me know what you think if you check her out! Even just reading her quotes online is helpful to me sometimes!

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