I have a confession to make, one I am not proud of. I cheated.
I have always had a strong sense of who I am and can resist temptation easily. I have never had a problem with infidelity, until now.
It didn’t last long. I know that doesn’t make it better, but I somehow thought it might mean less, it wouldn’t cause as much pain or guilt.
How is a girl supposed to say “no” to something so beautiful, so hot, so inviting? It’s like all of my senses suddenly became alive after months of a dry spell. The smell, the sight, the feeling of this forbidden stranger under my fingertips. It was more than I was prepared to deal with. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I was not physically able to restrain myself. It was something deep inside me, something that said “I must have you.” So I did.
I had hoped that my moment of weakness would not affect me later. I wanted to give in to my temptation and then leave it there in that beautiful moment. I didn’t want the feelings, the memories, or the guilt to creep into my days to follow. I wish that were the case.
This morning I feel dirty. I feel like there is a bowling ball in my stomach and my veins are filled with lead. My head is foggy and my skin is crawling, I can feel it burning. It no longer burns with desire, it burns with disgust and disappointment. The burning is actually visible, my skin glows red, little splotchy reminders of my embarrassment, weakness, and mistake.
The worst part of all? My fiance watched it happen. In his eyes I saw worry, not anger. All he wants is for me to be happy, so he was willing to watch the infidelity happen right in front of him. He knew what would happen. He knew that a few minutes of pleasure would lead to pain, and oh how right he was. But he just wanted me to be happy.
I try to live my life free from regret, so today I will not focus on my shortcomings. Instead I will focus on what I can learn from this experience.
The next time I decide to cheat, I will be smarter about it.
The next time I break my gluten-free, vegan, tomato-free diet, I will not violently eat three huge slices of NY style pizza in under 3 minutes. I will at least try to ingest something that doesn’t contain all three of my “no no foods” into one.
One beautiful, steaming, dripping, delicious slice of heaven. I will not soon forget you. Neither will my angry skin or stomach.