Cheater

I have a confession to make, one I am not proud of. I cheated.

I have always had a strong sense of who I am and can resist temptation easily. I have never had a problem with infidelity, until now.

It didn’t last long. I know that doesn’t make it better, but I somehow thought it might mean less, it wouldn’t cause as much pain or guilt.

How is a girl supposed to say “no” to something so beautiful, so hot, so inviting? It’s like all of my senses suddenly became alive after months of a dry spell. The smell, the sight, the feeling of this forbidden stranger under my fingertips. It was more than I was prepared to deal with. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I was not physically able to restrain myself. It was something deep inside me, something that said “I must have you.” So I did.

I had hoped that my moment of weakness would not affect me later. I wanted to give in to my temptation and then leave it there in that beautiful moment. I didn’t want the feelings, the memories, or the guilt to creep into my days to follow. I wish that were the case.

This morning I feel dirty. I feel like there is a bowling ball in my stomach and my veins are filled with lead. My head is foggy and my skin is crawling, I can feel it burning. It no longer burns with desire, it burns with disgust and disappointment. The burning is actually visible, my skin glows red, little splotchy reminders of my embarrassment, weakness, and mistake.

The worst part of all? My fiance watched it happen. In his eyes I saw worry, not anger. All he wants is for me to be happy, so he was willing to watch the infidelity happen right in front of him. He knew what would happen. He knew that a few minutes of pleasure would lead to pain, and oh how right he was. But he just wanted me to be happy.

I try to live my life free from regret, so today I will not focus on my shortcomings. Instead I will focus on what I can learn from this experience.

The next time I decide to cheat, I will be smarter about it.

The next time I break my gluten-free, vegan, tomato-free diet, I will not violently eat three huge slices of NY style pizza in under 3 minutes. I will at least try to ingest something that doesn’t contain all three of my “no no foods” into one.

One beautiful, steaming, dripping, delicious slice of heaven. I will not soon forget you. Neither will my angry skin or stomach.

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34 thoughts on “Cheater

  1. Pingback: 2013 In Pictures | The Other Courtney

  2. OMG….laughing …

    As I was reading I could sooooooo see what was coming haha….I think it is because a lot of us has done something similar hahaha … mine was *whispers so no one else can hear*

    cheese whiz

    Annnnnnnnyyyway …

    Great post.

    • Hahahah yep, we are all guilty! Cheese whiz, eh? I’m not a big fan of “the whiz” but I can absolutely crush a box of Cheez-It’s in one sitting! MmmMMmMmmm

    • It just feels so dirty sometimes! Are you off of caffeine? I have been too for I guess about 6 months now, I’ve FINALLY gotten to the point where I don’t miss it. It’s taken forever!

  3. You’re so clever β€œThank you” I mean, you got me all: { oh poor woman, oh how dreadful, I feel such love for her at this moment… } Then it was all: { pizza? Pizza? PIZZA?! OMG! } Then something similar to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0eINGyJHz8 Girl, you know pizza is food right? and you must have been hungry, which is a good time to eat, right? Oh such thoughts you prompted and a myriad of reactions to remind anyone that what any of us feel guilt over is in the past (and for pizza digestively will pass soon enough). This is a brilliant post that made me feel for you, then want to GIGGLE with you and could only in my mind, because if I had verbalised the giggle it would have woke this house and I may just carry that inner urge for some time use that unspent loud giggle as I recall { PIZZA?! } and let it out “HAHAHA!” when I need it most, so well done you. Namaste πŸ™‚

  4. Haha! Great post! I knew you were talking about food right for the beginning, but I love the analogy! I read with careful anticipation and a little smirk on my face the whole way through! I hope you recover from your infidelity very quickly!

    • I figured some people would definitely know this wasn’t my actual (fiance) cheating confession πŸ™‚ Funny how you can “know me” without really “knowing me”…does that make sense? haha!

  5. HAHaaaa!! You are a fantastic writer! I was on the edge of my seat thinking…”no, she has to be joking…it has to be something else…wait…maybe not?” I hope your stomach is feeling okay πŸ™‚

  6. I’m glad I’m not alone…two days ago I ate five pieces of a dinner-plate sized pizza….but it was a vege pizza, so it still fit under the category of healthy. More problematic was the 3 scoop baskin Robbins sundae with nuts, choc sauce and sprinkles chaser….that just fit under the category “gluttony” πŸ™‚

    • LOl I love it! Yeah I’d definitely say veggies on a pizza=healthy dinner. And the ice cream is a good source of dairy, nuts are great protein…see I can validate anything! πŸ™‚

      I guess we all have our binge moments from time to time.

  7. Oh honey, I wrote about this too… Pizza is my biggest weakness… Thank goodness we aren’t perfect. Just chalk it up to a moment of growth and let it go. xo

    p.s. the next time you need pizza check out Amy’s. she has an amazing vegan gluten free pizza.

    • Funny how pizza is a problem area for so many people! It’s just life’s most perfect food I guess πŸ™‚

      I had no idea Amy’s had a vegan pizza, very cool! I love all of Amy’s meals. When I was eating dairy, the gluten free Mac and Cheese was my go to. It is amaaaazing. Thanks for the suggestion!

  8. Oh man Courtney, I feel like we are connected in our pizza loving ways. It’s simultaneously my biggest junk food temptation and the thing that is absolutely the worst for me to eat. If you need a pizza-support helpline in the future when this foggy head and crawling skin is but a distant memory, just contact me and I will immediately talk you out of it and list many reasons why eating pizza is such a terrible idea. πŸ™‚

    • I think we are definitely kindred pizza spirits. Does the restaurant Mellow Mushroom exist where you live?? If not, you are very lucky. It is the most unreal, melt in your mouth, most delicious pizza I’ve ever had in my life. Just thinking it about me now is making my mouth water. My fiance and I frequent there and the last few times I’ve been good and haven’t eaten any! Don’t tell anyone but I think his intense love for pizza as well makes me love him more.

      Thank you for the support, haha! I seriously need it. I will be sure to shoot you a message next time I’m thinking about going to the dark (delicious) side.

      • I do not have Mellow Mushroom by me, but we did experience its amazing, delightful, awesome ways when we traveled on our honeymoon. We STILL talk about that place and its pizza! Glad you are feeling better after some exercise + veggies and out of the pizza coma πŸ™‚

  9. Loved this post. As a few people have already said, I can’t think of anything better to cheat with than a pizza.

    • Couldn’t.agree.more. It’s just so…perfect. I literally had to tell myself “NO” when I went back to get a FOURTH piece. The only thing that really stopped me was my fiance saying “Court you ate my lunch for tomorrow. You said you were only going to eat one piece and you ate half the pizza.” Whoops.

  10. This got a good LOL out of me! Especially that your fiancΓ© was watching it happen haha! Pizza is so bad…so bad. I like to think that I can cheat too, actually almost did today with pizza as well. But knowing I could go into labor at any minute I decided against it since the last think I need is that awful gas and stomach cramps when I’m pushing out a baby! Haha TMI!?!

    • HAHA I know I was wondering what you and the other fam members would think while reading it. Although obviously you would know I hadn’t actually cheated on Ike. Pretty sure you’d be the first one I’d call screaming “WHAT HAVE I DONE, I CHEATED ON THE ONLY MAN WHO WILL EVER PUT UP WITH MY ALLERGIES, SLEEPWALKING, GENERAL MANNERISMS, ANXIETY, AND MY INCESSANT BARKING AT HIM!” Yes, actual barking. Constantly. We’re working on it.

      Good for you for not cheating with pizza, stay strong mama!!! Yes, nobody needs gas while pushing out a human. Unless you just want to play a prank on the doctors/nurses πŸ˜€

  11. I heart your silly face. Very well put together, lady! I kept waiting for you to throw something like that out there, and you did! YAY!
    Sorry about all your splotchy skin and yucky belly. It was TOTALLY worth it right up until the yuck, huh?

    • Thanks so much! I would hope that if this were a post about actually cheating on my guy, people would leave lots of hate comments haha. I would deserve it. I know that my entire family definitely would! I kind of wish I could see my family’s faces as they were reading this post πŸ™‚

      Belly and skin are feeling better, so now the guilt has lifted a bit. Thanks!!

  12. I need you to know that this was a beautifully written post. I’ve only ever cheated (like on a partner) once, when I was in Highschool. This post back those memories and the feelings…. Then when I got to the end, I could relate even better to the cheating on my diet…. LOL It was perfect and made me laugh so hard! πŸ˜€ Thank you for that.

    • Well thank you!! Glad you enjoyed it. I haven’t exactly cheated on a boyfriend before (I think we were on a break, right? We weren’t EXACTLY together at that time, maybe?!) but I have to wonder if pizza guilt feels similar to cheating guilt haha! It was pretty intense. So happy it gave you a laugh πŸ˜€

  13. Ugh, you must feel miserable today! Pizza is really hard to resist though. I sometimes have nightmares where I forget that I have Celiac and accidentally eat pizza LOL. I hope you feel better soon!

    • LOl pizza nightmares, nooooo!! Does gluten free pizza do it for you, or is it just not the same? I’ve always wanted to try it but GF pizza always has egg!

      I felt like death when I woke up, but feeling great now! Just got back from the gym where I worked my ass off, picturing that pizza the whole time haha! It definitely made me run harder since apparently intense exercise really helps my skin. So odd. A big bowl of zucchini, peas, and onions have put me right back on track πŸ™‚

      • That’s awesome that you recover so quickly. And, gluten free pizza is OK but it’s not the same thing at all. I’ve never had one that tastes like REAL pizza 😦

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