At 6:00 this morning the theme song from the television show Dexter erupted from my phone, letting me know it was time to wake up for work. I hit snooze a few times and when my “final warning” alarm went off, I knew it was already too late to do my hair. Yesterday I worked a 16-hour day and was too wound up to sleep when I got home close to 11:00 pm, so I didn’t actually fall asleep until 1:00 am. Getting out of bed this morning was one of the hardest things I have had to do, it almost felt devastating. As soon as my feet hit the floor I burst into tears, and they didn’t stop flowing for almost an hour. The thought of working another 16-hour workday made my sobs come from deep within me, a desperate cry.
I am tired.
I am tired, but I also feel torn. I am grateful, so very grateful to be able to work two jobs. During my pity party in the shower this morning, I sobbed because I was exhausted from working too much. Meanwhile, millions of people are sobbing because they cannot find a job and can’t afford food or clothes for their families. Writing this now, I suddenly feel like a selfish, ungrateful child.
I appreciate all that I am able to do and the jobs that I have, but sometimes it does the soul good to just let it out. I miss my fiance. I miss talking to him and being able to hold my eyes open during our conversations. I miss my best friend and her family, I only get to see them once, MAYBE twice a month. I’m tired of being in pain and I’m tired of having to sleep my weekends away just to make up for the past week. I miss having a life that doesn’t only consist of pack lunch, work, sleep, pack lunch, work, sleep, pack lunch, work, sleep…
The positive in all of this? When I got to work with puffy eyes and a shaky voice, some of my coworkers sat down with me and listened to me vent. They helped me gain some perspective which is something that I truly value. Most importantly, they let me know that they were there for me no matter what. Then my telepathic friend sent me this:
I have never met a person with more clairvoyance than this girl has! Without fail, every time I am having a crisis and/or mental breakdown she texts me with a similar message. How she does it I am not sure, but I am so thankful for it. My mom, sister, and fiance also helped me to calm down and get some perspective. I guess it takes a whole team of people to get me to solid ground when I’ve lost it!
Next step? I am going to spend the weekend reevaluating my current setup. Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell if I’m really in a deep and dark place or if I’m just having a bad day. Regardless, I need a plan of action. It’s feeling stuck and hopeless that lead to mornings like the one I had today.
An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It’s a gift that says, “Get honest; inquire.” We reach out for alcohol, or television, or credit cards, so we can focus out there and not have to look at the feeling. And that’s as it should be, because in our innocence we haven’t known how. So now what we can do is reach out for a paper and a pencil, write the thought down, and investigate. -Byron Katie