Here are my reasons:

1. Smiling in your sleep– Babies smile in their sleep. I can only imagine that they dream of rolling fields of lactating breasts and blankets that never turn cold. Many adults grind their teeth in their sleep due to stress from work, finances, and relationships. Grinding leads to TMJ, cracked fillings or teeth, and waking up with splitting headaches only to get ready for another underpaid and under appreciated day at the office.

2. Throwing up is acceptable after drinking too much- Do you remember the last time you threw up? I promise you nobody said “awwww good job! It’s okay let me clean you up, change your clothes, and hold you till you fall asleep.”

Please notice the steady stream of spit up...

3. Pooping- When you have to go, you just go. There is no awkward sneaking to the bathroom to try and stealthily have a bowel movement. When you’re an infant, it is perfectly normal to poop yourself in public. The more sound effects and faces the better! No shame!

4. Women- The most important woman in your life takes care of you, loves you unconditionally, sees you at your worst, and still thinks you are perfect. She will never break your heart.

5. Sleep- The only time you are required to be awake is feeding time. Life consists of sleeping, eating, pooping, sleeping, eating, pooping…

6. Attitude- It’s okay to be cranky. If you’re pissed, you scream. If you’re upset, you cry. If you’re happy, you smile. There is nobody to please, you just do whatever feels good!

7. Chicks- The ladies flock to you. It doesn’t matter if your hair is a mess and you haven’t bathed in days, they’ll still want a piece of you.

8. Dressing up- Wearing an owl suit on a random Tuesday in July is cute, not a desperate cry for help or attention.