This morning on my drive to work, the radio station I was halfway listening to announced that they were sharing worst first date stories. I chuckled to myself as I painfully recalled my own worst first date story– it is a hard one to forget. The radio host requested stories from listeners and feeling impulsive on a tired Monday morning, I grabbed my phone and dialed the hotline. The phone rang twice and just as I was about to hang up, not sure if I had even heard the station’s number correctly, a man with a scratchy, charismatic voice answered the phone.
Operator: Hello, 106.5
Me: Ummm, hi. I have a first date story
Operator: Okay, what is it?
Me: The guy lifted up his shirt and showed me that he had three nipples, and when he rubbed one of them, all three would get hard
Operator: Oh…my…God. What’s your name?
Me: Courtney
Operator: Oh my God. (laughing). Okay hang on.
Within seconds, the line clicked over and I was greeted by the people I had just been listening to on the radio. I became instantly nervous, I am just not the type of person who calls into radio talk shows. In fact, this was my first time ever.
Hosts: Courtney! I’m fascinated by this. Tell us your horrible first date story
Me: I was on a date with this guy who I invited up to my room just to hang out, nothing crazy was going to happen. And uhhh he showed me he had three nipples, and bragged that when he rubbed one of them all three would get hard. It was horrible.
Hosts: scream laughing, making gagging noises So you were just hanging out, a get to know you session type thing, and how does that happen?! It seems kind of intimate
Me: Yes, exactly. Maybe he thought that would take things to second or third base or something, I don’t know
Hosts: Hmm, what does it take to get to third base with you, Courtney?
Me: I would say at least 4 nipples
Hosts: Ahh!! You’re my type of woman! That is a fantastic answer, well done.
I have to say, that is the hardest I think I have ever laughed at 7:45 in the morning. I hung up the phone and couldn’t stop giggling as I listened to my voice coming through the radio, retelling my triple nipple story.
This happened 9 years ago, but I remember it with more clarity than what I ate for breakfast yesterday. He was sitting on my lime green bean bag chair and when there was a natural break in conversation he slowly lifted his shirt, smiling in a way that would give Hannibal Lecter goosebumps. He seemed so proud of himself, of his impressive anatomy.
At what point in your pre-date pep talk do you look in the mirror and say “yeah, Tim, that’s a great idea. Wait for the right moment and then show her your tits. There’s nothing a girl loves more than a guy who looks like he could effortlessly nurse a set of triplets, or a small litter of puppies.”
Wherever you are, Triple Nipple Tim, thanks for the morning laughs and the wonderful mammaries. Errr I mean memories.
So, come on. Give me your worst first date stories. Can you beat the trip nip? And no, there was no second date.
The Other Courtney 
I consider myself somewhat of a conversationalist, and I remember a date on which it took 55 minutes from the time we sat down until the time I was signing the check for dinner. We had nothing – and I mean nothing – in common. She didn’t want to talk about work or what she did for a living, and had no interest in whatever topic I would bring up. It was, in essence, the, “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am” of dinner dates.
This had me laughing so hard that I woke up everyone in the house. Too funny!!
I want to know who paid for the tacos?
Hahaha he did. It was probably with his allowance money!
Courtney, you flippin crack me up! I think you should have taken over for Letterman…seriously! At least it wasn’t triple “Other Parts”…just sayin, it could have been worse
Ah you’re too kind!! So glad you got a kick out of this story. I can’t believe it happened…couldn’t have made this up if I tried though! WHO DOES THAT ON A FIRST DATE?! And you’re right, it could have been triple other parts. I should be thankful for the triple nipple!! 😀
Amazing!! Laughing so hard on my commute home
Glad to make your commute a bit funnier! 😀
Soooo, I must admit this is the first time I heard this story. By my math, you were a freshman in college. As your Dad, I guess I’m glad I didn’t know this at the time, but sure glad you knew this guy was a loser from the start!! 🙂
My “worst first date” was in High School my freshman year. The girl I took to the football game had just broken-up with a very big lineman on the Varsity team. During the game, he scanned the crowd, caught the eye of my date, and stood there pointing at me! When I went to get refreshments, my date left the game (fearful that he would come off the field). The next day at school he threatened to kill me (seriously)!!
Hahahah I was wondering if you had heard this story before, hope it didn’t scar you too much. Hey, at least I had the brains to tell him to leave immediately, right??
Your story sounds terrifying!! Sounds like something from a movie haha. Did you ever talk to her again?
Thanks for the laugh Courtney… hilarious! You should read my first blog, ‘When I lost my underpants in church’ 🙂
Glad you liked it, thanks for reading! I’ll go check it out now!
That was hilarious–probably not at the time! Thanks for sharing that, Courtney 🙂
At the time, no. But I was able to find the humor in it very quickly! I called my friend who lived a floor above me and we laughed so hard about it. I sure knew how to pick ’em.
Thanks for the mammaries!!!!! hahahaha lost it all over again!
Bahhahaha just for you marm 😉
Hahaha! I’m in the library right now and your post made me LAUGH OUT LOUD!
Haha I love that!! Hope you didn’t get an angry librarian shushing you 😀 😀
That’s hilarious. Totally made my day!
Aw, thanks! So glad haha. The trip nip…always brightens my day too.