This morning on my drive to work, the radio station I was halfway listening to announced that they were sharing worst first date stories. I chuckled to myself as I painfully recalled my own worst first date story– it is a hard one to forget. The radio host requested stories from listeners and feeling impulsive on a tired Monday morning, I grabbed my phone and dialed the hotline. The phone rang twice and just as I was about to hang up, not sure if I had even heard the station’s number correctly, a man with a scratchy, charismatic voice answered the phone.
Operator: Hello, 106.5
Me: Ummm, hi. I have a first date story
Operator: Okay, what is it?
Me: The guy lifted up his shirt and showed me that he had three nipples, and when he rubbed one of them, all three would get hard
Operator: Oh…my…God. What’s your name?
Operator: Oh my God. (laughing). Okay hang on.
Within seconds, the line clicked over and I was greeted by the people I had just been listening to on the radio. I became instantly nervous, I am just not the type of person who calls into radio talk shows. In fact, this was my first time ever.
Hosts: Courtney! I’m fascinated by this. Tell us your horrible first date story
Me: I was on a date with this guy who I invited up to my room just to hang out, nothing crazy was going to happen. And uhhh he showed me he had three nipples, and bragged that when he rubbed one of them all three would get hard. It was horrible.
Hosts: scream laughing, making gagging noises So you were just hanging out, a get to know you session type thing, and how does that happen?! It seems kind of intimate
Me: Yes, exactly. Maybe he thought that would take things to second or third base or something, I don’t know
Hosts: Hmm, what does it take to get to third base with you, Courtney?
Me: I would say at least 4 nipples
Hosts: Ahh!! You’re my type of woman! That is a fantastic answer, well done.
I have to say, that is the hardest I think I have ever laughed at 7:45 in the morning. I hung up the phone and couldn’t stop giggling as I listened to my voice coming through the radio, retelling my triple nipple story.
This happened 9 years ago, but I remember it with more clarity than what I ate for breakfast yesterday. He was sitting on my lime green bean bag chair and when there was a natural break in conversation he slowly lifted his shirt, smiling in a way that would give Hannibal Lecter goosebumps. He seemed so proud of himself, of his impressive anatomy.
At what point in your pre-date pep talk do you look in the mirror and say “yeah, Tim, that’s a great idea. Wait for the right moment and then show her your tits. There’s nothing a girl loves more than a guy who looks like he could effortlessly nurse a set of triplets, or a small litter of puppies.”
Wherever you are, Triple Nipple Tim, thanks for the morning laughs and the wonderful mammaries. Errr I mean memories.
So, come on. Give me your worst first date stories. Can you beat the trip nip? And no, there was no second date.