The Wait

On Monday morning I decided to go to the doctor one more time. I needed to hear one more doctor tell me that it was absolutely necessary for me to take antibiotics. More than that, I was hoping for a new and understanding, yet wise doctor to tell me not to take the antibiotics. I was so completely conflicted.

The doctor who came into the exam room after my 2-hour wait in the lobby was a new face, Sarah was her name. She was pretty, caring, professional, and had jacked up, stubby fingernails which for some reason made me like her even more. I told her my reason for the visit and asked if there was any way that I could take Levaquin for my strep throat, the only antibiotic that hasn’t sent me to the emergency room. She said “that isn’t our first choice for strep, but you are a special case. I’ll be right back.” Sarah returned with the doctor’s guide to antibiotics and showed me exactly why the other doctors had prescribed Clindamycin. She also showed me that Levaquin could be used for strep, so she’d be happy to prescribe that for me. I smiled, but she could still see terror in my eyes.

Sarah paused and said “I know this is really difficult for you, I’m sorry.” It was the first time in a week of constant doctor visits that one showed me any sort of compassion or understanding. It was only a few simple words, but it brought me to tears sitting in that cold, horribly lit exam room. With glassy eyes and a quivering lip, I thanked Sarah for her understanding and for listening to me. I told her it was the first time I felt like I was being treated like the unique case I am, with so many antibiotic allergies. Sarah gave a sideways smile and said “If it were me, I’d want the same thing.”

Sarah then told me that she wanted to consult with another doctor because she didn’t love the idea of me taking antibiotics, either. Both doctors agreed to give me another strep test and if it came back negative, I should not take the antibiotics.

Waiting for the strep test results was one of the longest waits of my life. Not as bad as waiting to see what the mass on my ovary was a year ago (ugh), but it was pretty dang hard. I ended up having to leave the doctor’s office to go to work, but they assured me they would call with my results.

2 hours later I received the phone call telling me my strep test was negative. Again, I cried. I thought I had cried as many tears as I possibly could in the past week, but apparently there’s always room for happy tears.

I am still healing and getting better every day, and for that I am truly thankful. Today my throat doesn’t feel great to be honest, but it may be a combination of anxiety and congestion. I have another scary wait coming up on Monday, so that combined with the fear of still contracting rheumatic fever has my anxiety going into over drive. I alluded to it in my last post, but hey may as well spill all. I seem to do that on this blog all the time anyways. On Monday I have to meet with surgeon to have some testing done to rule out breast cancer. Most chances are it’s absolutely nothing and it truly is just a rule out. Of course, there is a slight chance it’s something. Something I don’t really care to think about too much at this point.

I’m trying to be present in every moment and deal with the “here and now” rather than live in the future, in the world of what if’s. It’s where my brain loves to go as I start imagining myself bald, on chemotherapy, with a double mastectomy. Soooo I’m trying to reign in those crazy thoughts and remember that life doesn’t always unfold into worst case scenarios. In fact, it rarely does! We spend so much energy and time worrying about what could happen, so when it doesn’t happen, all that energy and time was completely wasted. If this does turn out to be a bad situation, there will be plenty of time for worry in the future.

Thanks for all your comments, support, and prayers while I’ve been dealing with this strep, they mean so much to me! It’s funny how for most people, strep isn’t really a blog-worthy topic, you just take a pill and get better. If only it were that easy for me! I’m thankful for a body that can heal on it’s own though, with some help from apple cider vinegar πŸ™‚

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18 thoughts on “The Wait

  1. Pingback: 2013 In Pictures | The Other Courtney

  2. Courtney, please always remember: “This too shall pass!” so there is no point to worry and fret as long as we have no hand in changing it. Whether its a happy or sad situation it shall pass at a certain point, and your life will go on and you will be just fine πŸ™‚ So chill, relax and enjoy your moment as you say, I am sure God is taking good care of you.

  3. I’m sorry to hear that you’re still trying to recover. I hope your throat is feeling better soon! As for the breas cancer thing, I will be keeping you in my thoughts. I hope it turns out to be nothing. Big hugs!!!

    (Also, I tried to comment earlier from my phone, but it said that I wasn’t permitted to comment… weird)

  4. Ah! I just caught up with all this. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all this – sometimes I swear, the process of acquiring quality treatment is more stressful that the original illness – but I’m proud of you for persevering in finding reliable, compassionate, SAFE care and not settling for less. Far too many people think doctors are the end-all-be-all, but your aunt’s mantra is so right on. Our bodies know what the need – perhaps not enough so to make diagnoses, but certainly enough to know what’s definitely not OK to subject them to. I send hugs.

  5. Your blog reminds me why I don’t go to the doctor. I don’t want to hear terrible things about my body. It is easier to stay positive if I just believe it is all healthy and la-la working fine. Plus, I don’t have medical insurance, so there is that.

  6. Oh man, that’s really stressful. I completely sympathize with your negative thought spirals. But if your body can recover from strep all on its own, I’m sure you can get through anything! And I know this probably doesn’t help that much, but at least this all happened *after* your wedding and honeymoon?

    • hahaha you are totally right. Poor Isaac! I was put on his insurance a few months ago and I’ve racked up hundreds of dollars in medical bills so far. I’ll probably be draining the HSA faster in a few months than he has in a few years. Poor guy. At least he knew what he was getting into πŸ˜€

      What’s the countdown for your big day now?!

  7. Hey girl! I have been reading your posts about being sick with strep and even though I hadn’t commented on previous ones, you have still been in my thoughts. I know how bad it sucks and it makes the simplest things like just BREATHING and EATING hard and painful. I am praying you get better soon, and that your test results are spotlessly negative. Keep that vibrant and positive spirit and you will be better before you know it! Your body knows just what to do to heal and it’s working hard at that! I like to think of the saying “Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst”. It can be productive to have some healthy worry and run through worst-case scenarios, as long as one can retain the sense of optimism that everything will be okay and you’ll have the strength to deal with whatever comes your way! πŸ™‚

    • Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. And you’re right, it’s incredibly frustrating when just normal human functions become extremely difficult! But…it could be so much worse. Through all of this I just keep reminding myself of that. I have arms that work so I can give myself a nebulizer and feed myself medicine, others don’t even have that.

      Hoping to post an update next week saying the boobie is spotless and everything is back to normal! As normal as my life ever is….hahah πŸ™‚

  8. WOW – how did I miss those last 2 posts??? Hang in there, girl. I’ll be thinking about you. How scary 😦 Hopefully since the strep test came back negative, that means you’re on the road toward healing.

    • Thanks Jen! It feels great that the test came back negative, but it makes me so nervous that my throat still feels all funky and sore today. Not a fan. Oh well, one day at a time. I appreciate your thoughts!

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