Prayer and Bargaining

I believe in prayer, and I believe there is no right or wrong way to pray. Some religions require followers to kneel and pray facing a certain direction. Others believe that only a priest can talk to God so all prayers must go through him. While I believe prayer is a sacred thing, I think it can also be casual.

There are dinner blessings where you hold the hands of your loved ones and bless your food. There are prayers at church where you peek around the room and see who else is peeking, too. Some prayers are silent and very private, not meant be heard by others. Some are very public and are bursting with religious buzzwords that leave you nodding your head in agreement but also kind of wondering “what exactly does that mean?”

In the past week, I’ve spent quite a bit of time in prayer. It has gone through different phases depending on my emotional and physical state. My first desperate prayer started in the doctor’s office waiting for my strep test results. I pleaded, begged God to let it be negative. It wasn’t, obviously.

From there, it has been a rollercoaster. I’ve spent quite a bit of time sobbing and begging God to heal me so I don’t have to deal with antibiotics. Then I start having a coughing fit and try to bargain. “Okay God, I don’t even need to be healed. Can I just take antibiotics and not die?” I know that trying to cut a deal with God like this is silly and I just need to be more trusting of His ways and wisdom, but it can be difficult when you are so very scared.

I’ve had a lot of experience dealing with fear due to my anaphylactic allergies, but this is a different kind of fear. My food allergies I can actively avoid, I know how to stay safe. Someone telling me to swallow a pill that may or may not close my throat and stop my heart? That is quite the opposite of safe. It is the reason I have cried every day since Wednesday, which has made my face break out in eczema from the tears and stress combination. As if having strep throat wasn’t enough to deal with right now.

Today, my prayer is this: help me to accept what is happening and deal with things as they come. There is a reason for everything, and I must keep believing that. In fact at my doctor’s appointment yesterday, something else came up that could either be nothing or could be pretty serious. I am seeing a specialist in a few weeks to get it looked at, but who knows- maybe all this is happening so that could be discovered.

In the meantime, I’m going to keep repeating the mantra that my supportive and eloquent aunt emailed me this morning:

My body is wise and a natural healer. I have always healed. I am healing now. I am carefully observing the situation and will take appropriate action. I am on the case.

So body, you hear that? Lets do some serious healing this weekend. I know you have enjoyed the excuse to lay in bed for 5 days straight but I’m a little tired of it. In fact, I feel absolutely crazy and I can’t remember what day it is.

Also as an extremely superficial side note- how have I been eating only crackers and soup for a week and I have not lost one single pound? Just an observation. I mean c’mon, isn’t that normally the major PRO to being sick?!

Alright, back to some prayers and mantras.

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13 thoughts on “Prayer and Bargaining

  1. Awe, Courtney, I hope you feel better soon! I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t gotten better already. Hopefully whatever you are going to a specialist for turn out to be nothing serious. Thinking of you!

  2. I am sure you’ll get better soon. Just keep placing it all in His hands, and you’ll be back to normal before you know it.

    BTW …. excellent quote in your picture.

    • Thank you Gil, I keep reminding myself of that. God knows what is going to happen, I need to try and not worry about it.

      And I love that quote too, one of my absolute favorites!

  3. Courtney …. *huuggss*….

    I hope if you have to take the antibiotic that the side effects to not manifest.

    What worries me … what I caught here … “something else came up that could either be nothing or could be pretty serious.” … I do not know what you might mean … but I hope…I HOPE tis nothing.

    In the meantime … I hope you can find some calm in your thoughts.

    • Thanks so much Katie. I actually woke up today feeling better strep-wise. Now if only I knew why my eyes are swollen shut, LOL. I guess my allergies were feeling neglected and wanted to join in on the fun.

      I appreciate your always supportive and sweet worlds ❤

  4. Aww, you’re in my thoughts! Good luck at your appointment and I really hope it’s nothing! I also hope you get over the strep soon! I’ll send healing thoughts your way!

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