Negative is a state of mind. Unfortunately, it is also the current state of my bank account. That being said, I am trying something new. I have chosen to not feel sorry for myself and obsess over my every life decision that has gotten me to this point. Am I disappointed in myself? Of course. Am I victimizing myself and flooding my journal with “its just not fair” and “why was I not born with a trust fund” phrases? Absolutely not. I’ve been down that road and it always ends the same way: anxiety, miserable days, and sleepless nights.

I am choosing to stay positive and do something about it. Today on my lunch break I went to the restaurant I used to work at. I was nervous about asking to be re-hired. I didn’t want them to feel like they were doing me any favors. Worst of all, I didn’t want to be turned down. It was time to swallow my pride and walk through those doors again. A year ago I left the restaurant on not so great terms, saying how this new job would solve all my financial problems. In your freakin’ dreams, Courtney.

I put on a face of confidence and silently thanked God that I had done my hair and worn makeup today. It definitely doesn’t hurt to look cute when you are holding your tail between your legs begging for a few meager waitressing shifts. I marched up to the manager and said “So, how is your staff load now? Are you heavy or are you in need of help?” A huge grin spread across his face and he replied “as always, you have perfect timing. How much do you want to work?” Apparently several servers have recently left and he was stressing about how to cover their shifts. Just like that, my 40-hour work weeks turned into almost 70-hour weeks.

Now it is time to say goodbye social life, bye bye boyfriend, see ya later weekends! Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday, I will get home from work somewhere between 10pm and 12am. Tuesday and Thursday I will get home at 8pm. Isaac just started business school so he will be working full-time and going to classes and group meetings with no breaks for two years. I am also starting an online college course on August 22nd. Holy busy!

Somewhere deep, deep down I can sense the old Courtney pitying herself. No more free time and 70-hour work weeks? Poooooor baby! That was the old me though. The new and improved Courtney is handling things much better. I must say, I’m quite impressed with her. I feel beyond thankful that I have a friend at an old job who will allow me to work as much as I want. How many people can walk into a job, ask for work, and be placed on the schedule the very next day?

While my bank account still says -$56.00,  I’m not too worried about it. I am envisioning a month down the road when I can *GASP* buy groceries, fill my own gas tank, and *BIGGER GASP* start really paying off my credit card. Worrying myself into a downward anxiety spiral and knotted stomach will not help my bank account. Staying positive, taking action, and loving what is will.  

Love What Is