Fired as the Family DJ

Teenagers are dumb. It’s not just my personal opinion, it’s science. The teenage brain has not yet fully developed, especially the part that deals with planning ahead, actions and consequences, and understanding mortality. See mom and dad, I DID learn something in college. This may be the only factoid that I remember from school but I’d say it’s worth $30,000, wouldn’t you?

When I was a teenager, I did some really dumb things. Thankfully none of my mistakes were life altering (although my first kiss was pretty traumatizing), but I did have my moments of glory. When I think back to my teenage idiotic moments, a few stand out.

These stories amaze me because they show just how naive I was. I wasn’t trying to be bad or get a rise out of my parents, I just literally didn’t understand the difference between appropriate and inappropriate. My brain hadn’t quite figured that out yet. Once while driving in the car with my mom, I told her that I was obsessed with this new song and I wanted her to hear it. I felt she too would love the catchy beat and hilarious lyrics. Here are some of the lyrics, perhaps you will recognize it:

Come on babe it’s your lucky day, shut your mouth we’re gonna do it my way
Come on baby don’t be afraid if it wasn’t for date rape, I’d never get laid
…the moral of the date rape story it does not pay to be drunk and horny

The song is Date Rape by the band Sublime. Lovely, right? My conservative Christian mother thought so too. I will never forget the look on her face after the song ended. With a huge grin I said “funny, right? Do you get it? The guy goes to jail and gets raped because HE raped someone! HAH!” She stared at me and was probably wondering if it was too late to take me back to the hospital and claim that her baby had been switched at birth. Surely I could not be her sweet and innocent 14-year old daughter. While trying to not crash the car, she explained to me that my taste in music worried her. She didn’t understand how I could find something so horrible and disgusting funny. I remember thinking to myself It’s not a true story mom, geez. Obviously it’s a joke and it’s funny. Again, teenagers are dumb. 

A few years before the Sublime Date Rape incident, I managed to humiliate my entire family while simultaneously offending 4 Amish people, again thanks to my excellent taste in music. My parents were friends with a couple who lived in Amish country for several years and raised their two daughters there. One night they came to our house to visit and to my surprise, the ladies were dressed in ankle-length, long sleeved dresses. I was psyched. Real live Amish people in my kitchen in Washington, D.C.?! A dream come true for a city girl! While all 10 of us were sitting around the table talking, I exclaimed that I had the perfect song to play for the group. I ran to my bedroom, found my boombox, loaded the cassette tape, and proudly skipped back to the kitchen. When I hit “play” these words spewed straight from the speakers into the unsuspecting Amish ears:

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she’s very plain
But that’s just perfect for an Amish like me
You know I shun fancy things like electricity

Hitchin’ up the buggy, churnin’ lots of butter
Raised a barn on Monday, soon I’ll raise a nutter
Think you’re really righteous? Think you’re pure in heart?
Well, I know, I’m a million times as humble as thou art

We’ve been spending most our lives living in an Amish paradise
We’re all crazy Mennonites, living in an Amish paradise
There’s no cops or traffic lights, living in an Amish paradise
But you’d probably think it bites, living in an Amish paradise
Yeah

You know what Amish people don’t like? Weird Al Yankovic’s spoof song titled “Amish Paradise”, written to the tune of Gangsta’s Paradise by by Coolio. My beet-faced parents apologized to their friends while I sat confused as to why I was the only one laughing. The family left shortly after and interestingly enough, I haven’t seen them since. 

I don’t know if my poor mom remembers any of these stories, but I laugh out loud when I picture her reading this post. I know she will read it since she is subscribed to my blog, so I have to say- I’m sorry mom for all of the embarrassment, worry, and frustration I caused you in my teen years. But at least we can look back and laugh about it now, right? RIGHT? 

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11 thoughts on “Fired as the Family DJ

  1. This is hilarious! I am practially crying in laughter! This reminds me of when I was in middle school and our church pastor called the house and I picked up the phone. He had a younger sounding voice and I thought it was one of my brother’s friends. I ended up calling him a “dumbass” on the phone. Needless to say, I had a lot of explaining to do to my parents and the pastor!!

  2. You really need to put a warning on posts like these. I almost woke my sleeping child laughing so hard!! I am so glad that I am not the only one who made a fool of herself during the teenage years. Thanks for this…I’ll be laughing all day tomorrow too!!

  3. I don’t think it’s just your mom who will be laughing out loud!! I have tears rolling down my face! I CAN NOT believe you played that to the Amish family!!! LOLOLOL!!! Classic!

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