Racing thoughts, running wildWhere could they be going?It doesn’t matter, screams the lead to the lineWe’ll know when we get there, in time Circling and charging, day after dayTo them, a gameTo me, only pain Shhhh, I whisper Unsure if I’m comforting or chastisingPlease, pull overWe need rest Sideline sitting feels taxing, tooThe engines in…
Over the last year and a half, my anxiety has gone through some interesting evolutions. At the beginning of the pandemic, when I was also one month postpartum, it was at an all time high. In recent months, it has been at an all time low. In fact a few weeks ago I kept feeling…
I want to be alone I want to be with people, even the loud and stumbling and belligerent ones Don’t touch me, I’m claustrophobic Hug me tightly and hold my face in your hands, even if they’re clammy I need a routine I want to live each day different from the last I want to…
People start asking you very soon after having a child if you plan to have a second one. A harmless and understandable question, sure. But it always sends a shock through me. I know the socially appropriate way to respond, so I smile and give a lighthearted, “Maybe!” or “We’ll see!” Sometimes if I have the time…
I sat in the lobby waiting to hear my name. Mismatched clothes, slippers for shoes, bloated and empty belly resting on my striped thighs. I couldn’t look at the glowing women around me, I wondered what they might see in my face? Terror Exhaustion Apathy Sadness Counterfeit joy Envy Anger Confusion Physical pain Emotional pain…
In the way that you cry when you’re tired and lonely, I am reminded that I can do the same. In the way that you allow yourself to be held, comforted, and kissed by someone who loves you, I am reminded that I can do the same. In the way that you continue to eat…
The weird thing about trauma exposure is that it can come back in unexpected, powerful ways. Even years after the trauma has occurred, and you have been mostly symptom-free, something can trigger a trauma response and you are nearly powerless to its might. Trauma affects the way our brains develop, how we behave, and how…
PHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH That is the sound of me blowing the dust off the ol’ blog. It has been over two years since I have written here, dayum! When typing in my blog address this afternoon, I wondered if I would have to log in again or if by some miracle it would still be auto logged-in.…
I’ve cried at work before. There was that one time at the Dolphin Research Center that I was walking out of the fish house and slipped on the glassy, wet sidewalk. I fell directly onto my knee and when I finally got the courage to look at the damage, I discovered that my kneecap had dislocated.…
A few weeks ago, I collapsed into my car after a long day at work and was instantly hit with a wonderful, fruity, tropical fragrance. Many mystery smells have emerged from my car over the years, but never one this delightful. What in the world was that? Pineapple? No. Peaches? Definitely not. Mango, that’s it. Why does my…
The Other Courtney 